Now or Later

Waterfall

Venus Fly

Super update!

Thanks to Mei for getting me a "Draw Something Everyday!" sketchbook for Christmas. I didn't receive it until about Feb though, but it's helped me tremendously. I started out hating everything I drew for the first month, but I did manage to draw something everyday. I had my first hiccup last week by missing my first day since starting, but that was a 83 day streak! This sketchbook has really helped me find that bit of effort to just do something every day too, other than filling a small page with little drawings and scribbles.

But the subject of today's DD is what I've been drawing a bit lately. She's the first OC of 2017.
Her name is Sakura, but that name probably won't stay. She's not fully developed, but she is a fashion designer in Val Royoux. Born from tal-vashoth parents who left the Qun to settle in Orlais. She's a rising star in the Val Royoux fashion scene, having piqued local interest with her previously unseen or heard of hybrid mesh of Orlesian and qunari motifs. Her high profile keeps her safe from Qunari assassins too. She also has some wealthy Orlesian patrons that pay for extra security for her. She's aware that fashion and popularity come and go in Val Royoux, so while she's climbing the social ranks she must consistently put out designs and modelling work that keeps Orlais' elite interest.
I have no idea what to name her 'cause I'm not savvy with Orlesian naming conventions. Ssssoooooo.

Making her an rpg character will be interesting. I think she could make a good rogue. Not so great at combat, I don't want that to be a strength, but maybe she could be good with rapport, deception, bluffing and inspiring. Maybe intimidation? Definitly will have some skill with sharp little needles if required. 

Viva Namida

tsumobi

Starboy

Modern Jhonevin.

Kaze No Toorimichi (Boot Beat No Gottani Mix)

I kind of had a miserable day at work today. Wanted to mope it out, get it over and done with.
But as I was walking home, I saw that someone had written "Happy New Year Everybody!" with chunky pastel chalk on the pavement on my street.
It just... really cheered me up.

mellow

I can't describe how I feel. I was doing okay for most of today, but things happen... and then...

Lately, things have just been a little tough. As a weakling, my instinctive reaction is to give up on things when I can't deal. It's not only that I can't, but often I don't even want to.
I want to stay a nothing, embrace nothingness, and just be a nothing.

I can't deal with social interactions.
The past week it's felt like I haven't had enough respite to balance out confrontation and high tension with reflective grounding. I can only describe what I feel, under the surface and beneath the skin, as that instinctive step backwards you take when someone approaches to stand uncomfortably close to you. A want to reestablish a safe distance from others, to retreat away to a space that you can still be around them, but without proximity or intimacy.
I want to cut contact with people I know, to get lost somewhere barren so that I can truly be alone. Wander across the desert at night and feel the warm sand under my bare feet, feeling the shifting of the grains. I want to connect in a different away, alone and with myself.
Is it strange to feel disconnected with yourself? I get the impression that there are so many varied ideas of identity. Like, when people give names to and identify different personas within themselves. I don't do that, I think that they're all me. My mind is a pilot and my body is a vessel. I am a consciousness that is sick, in my own un-unique way, that is the product of progress, encounters, and time. I'm nothing. I'm not significant. But I can have meaning with the time my body grants my consciousness.
I get sad when I can't control or contain my emotions. I'll tend to make erratic, stupid decisions and actions. When this happens, I need to stop and achieve stillness. To slip under the waves of my external awareness and cool myself in the undercurrent of thoughts. "Why did I do the thing?" "Was I mad?" "Why did I get mad?" "Was I entitled to getting mad?" "Why do I feel like this?"
I don't always find the answers within myself. When I can't, I can be the most patient person with myself in a way I can't with other people. I know I'll find the answer in time. I sometimes wait for an event to trigger, or a memory to resurface that can give me insight into my problems.
I can't access this stillness within myself unless I am utterly... alone...
Most of the time, that isn't enough though. I need to be alone for a long time before I achieve the Stillness. I think, maybe, because it's so hard for me to get into a comfortably still moment of reflection that it is so infuriating to not be alone. To have someone interrupt my opportunity is just... uuuuuuuyyy can't find words for it. I get so mad though. Unreasonably mad. I then feel out of balance, and anxious. I can't keep control of my actions - I'll snap, be aggressive or bitchy to get people to leave or have my way.
Like, why. Why. Why why why does this happen.
I can't relate to anyone with this problem. I can't be the only one though.