I can't describe how I feel. I was doing okay for most of today, but things happen... and then...
Lately, things have just been a little tough. As a weakling, my instinctive reaction is to give up on things when I can't deal. It's not only that I can't, but often I don't even want to.
I want to stay a nothing, embrace nothingness, and just be a nothing.
I can't deal with social interactions.
The past week it's felt like I haven't had enough respite to balance out confrontation and high tension with reflective grounding. I can only describe what I feel, under the surface and beneath the skin, as that instinctive step backwards you take when someone approaches to stand uncomfortably close to you. A want to reestablish a safe distance from others, to retreat away to a space that you can still be around them, but without proximity or intimacy.
I want to cut contact with people I know, to get lost somewhere barren so that I can truly be alone. Wander across the desert at night and feel the warm sand under my bare feet, feeling the shifting of the grains. I want to connect in a different away, alone and with myself.
Is it strange to feel disconnected with yourself? I get the impression that there are so many varied ideas of identity. Like, when people give names to and identify different personas within themselves. I don't do that, I think that they're all me. My mind is a pilot and my body is a vessel. I am a consciousness that is sick, in my own un-unique way, that is the product of progress, encounters, and time. I'm nothing. I'm not significant. But I can have meaning with the time my body grants my consciousness.
I get sad when I can't control or contain my emotions. I'll tend to make erratic, stupid decisions and actions. When this happens, I need to stop and achieve stillness. To slip under the waves of my external awareness and cool myself in the undercurrent of thoughts. "Why did I do the thing?" "Was I mad?" "Why did I get mad?" "Was I entitled to getting mad?" "Why do I feel like this?"
I don't always find the answers within myself. When I can't, I can be the most patient person with myself in a way I can't with other people. I know I'll find the answer in time. I sometimes wait for an event to trigger, or a memory to resurface that can give me insight into my problems.
I can't access this stillness within myself unless I am utterly... alone...
Most of the time, that isn't enough though. I need to be alone for a long
time before I achieve the Stillness. I think, maybe, because it's so hard for me to get into a comfortably still moment of reflection that it is so infuriating to not be alone. To have someone interrupt my opportunity is just... uuuuuuuyyy can't find words for it. I get so mad though. Unreasonably mad. I then feel out of balance, and anxious. I can't keep control of my actions - I'll snap, be aggressive or bitchy to get people to leave or have my way.
Like, why. Why. Why why why does this happen.
I can't relate to anyone with this problem. I can't be the only one though.
