Perfect Moment

I have made a return to tumblr to post some of my art.
And just my luck, the site is removing their nsfw tag in just under a week. heck.
But! What I have posted so far has gotten me more attention than what I've been posting to deviantart for years. It feels... nice.

I wish I was as creative as I was while in high school. I feel like I had interesting ideas, nothing like the things I've come up with over the past few years. I thought it was art block that I've been struck with when I started studying after graduating, but maybe I outgrew the spark. I decided a while ago that I can't pursue art professionally, it can only be a hobby for me, but I still want it to be good.
My understanding of anatomy has really gone to shit. If I'm going to be living in Ballarat I really want to find a life drawing class. I don't want to get lazy about it, but I have to put it in the "shit to look into in 2019" pile and deal with that later.

POP/STARS

Yes. I too can't stop listening and watching the clip for POP/STARS.

It came out over a week ago and I've watched my newsfeed on fb flooded with fanart. I've been away in Japan for the past two weeks and away from my PC. It's always when I don't have my tablet within reach when the inspiration hits.

So obviously my goal of getting 100 DDs done this year is impossible. The best I can try for is 20, which is achievable, I think?

Ahh. Japan, tho.
Staying there always gets me into a good routine. I probably owe that to my grandparents who are always doing something at every time slot during the day, no time for laziness. It's great.

Floki Appears

A few things:

- This is my first time drawing Critical Role fanart. Some day I hope to work my way up to drawing a highly detailed character like Molly.
- Life is good right now, aside from the usual feelings of doom when I think about my future. It's less than it has been a few months ago, and it was enough of a break away from drawing anything for me to feel inspired to give it a go.
- Why do I only feel like drawing things a bit before or after midnight? Am I still a teenager?

Little One

I am completely in love with Detroit: Become Human. In particular the character Connor, his struggle is everything I want in an android story.
I've also discovered that I'm super into AI and android narratives! Haaay, Arch Android. Holaaa, Geth/Quarian struggle. Oh, hiiiiiiii, NieR: Automata.

I haven't been drawing at all, but I really wanted a go at drawing Connor, especially his face. The lighting in this game shows off the actor/face model's amazing gaunt and cheek bones, and I am in need of experience in lighting and shading of faces. I backed out of colouring this, as I just don't have an eye for colouring these days. I hoped to do more, and I honestly hope I go back to this.

Crazy, Classic, Life

Dirty Computer has saved me the past few weeks.
Shit is still fucked but today wasn't as bad as it's felt lately - a small breakthrough, finally.

Pynk

j a n e l l e     m o n a e 

Next Tues I'm off to Syd for five days. Need a bit of a reset.

Keijijou Ryuusei

I don't really know what's the point in going on.
I've been struggling with having a purpose in life for years now. I'm not good at my current job, I don't even get that many hours, it's just enough to cover my rent and bills and I figured that was sufficient enough - I'm not relying on hand-outs from anyone. I've been able to avoid financial problems for most of my life and currently not having to rely on Centrelink for help, that's good work in my books. It's only enough to take care of me, though. I've been having to bankroll things for Mei since moving down here. Nothing that's put me in great financial strain, but at the rate it goes at it's not enough to sustain myself and another person. I don't want to have to take care of another person. It's something that has been on my mind a lot, having just turned 28 years old. I should ideally be making enough money to pay for my shit, put some into savings and have money to spare to take care of my parents as they're getting older, and they are getting older. It's stupid, but I didn't realise how much they're withering. I thought I was exhausted with all the things that have happened after moving, but they've got it rough too.

I just want there to be no more struggle, strife, anything. I don't like being a burden, it's all I've been for most of my life. I know the answer is getting a better paying job, but I'm really not cut out for anything. I'm shit at my current job. I've found that all my life I've felt like I've had something missing in me, that I'm generally lacking behind others. I'm slower to learn things, or even to complete tasks. I've been realising lately, but I'm also mildly fucking illiterate. Look at these poorly constructed sentences and paragraphs. Fuck. As a career applicant, there will always be younger and more competent workers than me. Who the fuck wants to hire a shit, slow worker who doesn't want to socialise with her coworkers. As enjoyable as friendships are I'm bad with them too, I become very fickle. The more familiar I become with them I will gradually find things I dislike about them. There are a few rare exceptions, people I really enjoy being around and yeah, maybe feel a romantic affection towards. But I actually hate that I feel that way. I become attached, and this makes me frail. I can't get them out of my head and I want to be consumed with these thoughts and feelings, but they're also incredibly toxic. I become possessive and start to imagine false scenarios where I'm no longer interesting to them.

I'm someone who hates compliments. Compliments are given when someone wants something. They can deny it, but it can be boiled down to something. If it is a genuine compliment, it'll tend to be about something false. Some falsehood I've projected about myself to impress someone, and to have it repeated back to me is an "oh, fuck" moment. "I've lied to this person, shit. They think that I'm x, shit."
I have a lot of hate and self-loathing. I just feel stuck with who I am, and I don't enjoy it. I'm tired of trying to talk to people about how tired of myself I am, they'll have advice they've heard/seen in shows or movies or wish you the best. The worst scenario is when they have nothing to say. That is what happens to me when someone opens up. I have no words of advice, and can only offer my condolences that they're down. That's shit. I'm shit.

I'll be going to Sydney in a couple weeks. I plan to just sleep in my own room and cry. I don't want to see anyone while I'm there, but out of necessity I will have to. I don't want to even tell anyone that I will be going away. I just want to go away for a while and turn my phone off the whole time I'm there, but that's not going to happen. If something happens with Mei I will not hear the end of it if she can't contact me.
Life's shit. I'm shit.

Rejuvenescência

Been feeling a little down lately.
It's shit to have to write things down into words, but I'm attempting to draw things to feel worthwhile? 

Hazey

Struggletown.

Second Hand Car

I can feel that depression creeping up on me. I start to lose interest in those around me. I have friends who care about me but I'm losing interest in them. A week ago I had this idea to start a blog about video game logos, something that interests me. But, why bother, y'know? I have never finished a project in my life, and barely started a few. I shouldn't even think of projects if they're only going to get me down.

Well done, me. Turning 28 in 13 days.
Yesterday I read My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Kobi Nagata. It's such an honest story, and some themes hit home. After reading it filled me with a bit of inspiration, but today it was gone entirely.

Make Me Feel

Relentlessly listening to the new Janelle Monae jams today and yesterday. Lovelove her.

Maps

j o d a r i e l <3

Musical Chairs

Gooey

rusty.

as.

fuuuck.