Pynk

j a n e l l e     m o n a e 

Next Tues I'm off to Syd for five days. Need a bit of a reset.

Keijijou Ryuusei

I don't really know what's the point in going on.
I've been struggling with having a purpose in life for years now. I'm not good at my current job, I don't even get that many hours, it's just enough to cover my rent and bills and I figured that was sufficient enough - I'm not relying on hand-outs from anyone. I've been able to avoid financial problems for most of my life and currently not having to rely on Centrelink for help, that's good work in my books. It's only enough to take care of me, though. I've been having to bankroll things for Mei since moving down here. Nothing that's put me in great financial strain, but at the rate it goes at it's not enough to sustain myself and another person. I don't want to have to take care of another person. It's something that has been on my mind a lot, having just turned 28 years old. I should ideally be making enough money to pay for my shit, put some into savings and have money to spare to take care of my parents as they're getting older, and they are getting older. It's stupid, but I didn't realise how much they're withering. I thought I was exhausted with all the things that have happened after moving, but they've got it rough too.

I just want there to be no more struggle, strife, anything. I don't like being a burden, it's all I've been for most of my life. I know the answer is getting a better paying job, but I'm really not cut out for anything. I'm shit at my current job. I've found that all my life I've felt like I've had something missing in me, that I'm generally lacking behind others. I'm slower to learn things, or even to complete tasks. I've been realising lately, but I'm also mildly fucking illiterate. Look at these poorly constructed sentences and paragraphs. Fuck. As a career applicant, there will always be younger and more competent workers than me. Who the fuck wants to hire a shit, slow worker who doesn't want to socialise with her coworkers. As enjoyable as friendships are I'm bad with them too, I become very fickle. The more familiar I become with them I will gradually find things I dislike about them. There are a few rare exceptions, people I really enjoy being around and yeah, maybe feel a romantic affection towards. But I actually hate that I feel that way. I become attached, and this makes me frail. I can't get them out of my head and I want to be consumed with these thoughts and feelings, but they're also incredibly toxic. I become possessive and start to imagine false scenarios where I'm no longer interesting to them.

I'm someone who hates compliments. Compliments are given when someone wants something. They can deny it, but it can be boiled down to something. If it is a genuine compliment, it'll tend to be about something false. Some falsehood I've projected about myself to impress someone, and to have it repeated back to me is an "oh, fuck" moment. "I've lied to this person, shit. They think that I'm x, shit."
I have a lot of hate and self-loathing. I just feel stuck with who I am, and I don't enjoy it. I'm tired of trying to talk to people about how tired of myself I am, they'll have advice they've heard/seen in shows or movies or wish you the best. The worst scenario is when they have nothing to say. That is what happens to me when someone opens up. I have no words of advice, and can only offer my condolences that they're down. That's shit. I'm shit.

I'll be going to Sydney in a couple weeks. I plan to just sleep in my own room and cry. I don't want to see anyone while I'm there, but out of necessity I will have to. I don't want to even tell anyone that I will be going away. I just want to go away for a while and turn my phone off the whole time I'm there, but that's not going to happen. If something happens with Mei I will not hear the end of it if she can't contact me.
Life's shit. I'm shit.