Circles

Those times when you suddenly feel sad.
I don't know if there was any trigger, but I just feel really blue.

edit: I just had a stray thought.
I've kind of been an emotional brick for the past year. Focus on myself, don't engage in any emotional drama, avoid it at all costs. It's so draining for me. I can't even be around happy people, its very exhausting.
But now... is drawing more and engaging in my feelings...
asking myself "what's my mood right now?"
does this make me sad? Or am I aware that I'm always kind of sad.
I think about death a lot. Not my own, but in general. Cycles of life, etc.

I know this is a bit fucked up, but ever since I was an early teen, I figured I'd die by the age of 30.
Or possibly even take steps to ensure it happens.
When I was 15, another 15 years felt like a very long time. Maybe it's only now that I feel my age creeping up on me, like I only have 5 years left to live that I feel like I've been wasting my time. I've accomplished little in my life. I can't get everyone to like me. I can't get the people who don't like me to change their minds.
Am I a burden to the ones around me?
Do I even care?
I've started asking myself these questions again. I used to think like this while I was drawing frequently. Maybe by drawing daily I've tapped into my old sadness.
Sigh. I've always been a bit pathetic. I'm not all sad. I find my happiness here and there and it gets me through tomorrow. But sometimes, I don't know, I forget. And then nothing matters anymore.