Asleep Among Endives

I feel heartbroken that I have people who care about me that I feel like I can't engage with and tell them everything that's going on in my head. 

I sometimes get facebook memories of text conversations I printscreened and uploaded to save reminders to save as evidence, and a small hope that maybe my circumstances would be different when it comes back to me in a Facebook Memory. For the past few years, it became a reminder of how much hasn't changed. My circumstances are very different now, I'm free from a lead that I blame for much of my weakness. I look back at the times friends urged me to go to police about events. I've never had the conviction to stand up for myself. "Why bother."

I envy people who appear to be embracing life, and the world.
I struggle with seeking any help. I can't even bring myself to book an appointment to get my glasses updated. Even though they embarrass me to wear cause they're visibly damaged, I cannot muster some sort of courage or strength to go and get them updated. I couldn't defend myself from accusations. It feels like an opinion is made, no one is curious about my side. I want to say, "has anyone ever asked my side??". People like my friends have. Who have known about my struggles for years. They want to help. But I can't, and I don't know why. I wish I could move, I have the ability to move my limbs, I know I do, but I won't. I don't know why. 

I have the capacity no. I don't have an excuse not to. And yet, I still can't at the same time. 
I don't know if it's because I've been this way for so long it just feel safer within myself to turn to stone, let gentle lichen grow on the body I hate.

This doesn't make sense anymore. I thought I'd do some stream of consciousness to help me figure out how I feel.

I wish I were a cinderblock. Standing at the end of a dark wooden pier pointing to the centre of a lake.
I'd move my stone body over the ledge. Soothing dark, crystal water. 
Not really. I'd be imagining it, unblinking. I'll drag myself home, thinking about the water and the calm.